All Of Me

Everyone has fears.  There are the common ones like public speaking, spiders, sharks and death.  Then there are the less common ones like falling on your face (that’s me!) and things like swimming or maybe even driving.  Regardless, it is natural to be fearful of many things.  Lately I have felt fearful of the future and of the unknown.  It’s hard to narrow down my fears into my top three or four.  I feel like the more I think about it the more fears I have, which is silly.  I am afraid of being alone, dying, spiders, sharks, falling on my face, drowning, fires, losing my family and many other things.  On the other hand, I would have to say I am doing alright since I am not afraid of heights, public speaking or closed spaces.  Those are some of the most common fears.  Stuff me in an elevator full of people- I will be fine.  Put me at the top of the EmpireState building- I won’t bat an eye.  Five hundred people- that’s the largest crowd I have spoken in front of and I didn’t think twice about it. 


If I could see the future and just know that I am not going to die alone, that I am going to have the opportunity to experience a love for the ages, I would be okay.  I am only twenty years old and I am already afraid that I am destined to be “independent” and “strong”, as if I don’t need a man. 


Well, I don’t NEED a man.  I could never imagine having such a reliance on another individual outside of my parents and sister- I need them.  Everyone just wants to feel loved and appreciated.  I am no exception.  I look at my closest friends and see happiness in their relationships and wonder why that is not for me?  My friends are all married or in serious long-term relationships (minus a handful of them).  Yet here’s me: the ultimate definition of an independent woman.


Where I once felt complimented by that statement, I now feel almost pitied.  So many people constantly ask why I don’t have a boyfriend or am not dating anyone.  Your guess is as good as mine folks.  However, at the same time I love being an independent woman.  I have strength that some women will never have the chance to build.  I have a lot of time and energy to focus on the things I love and create the best version of myself.  That way one day when I do meet someone who I can fall in love with, at least I will know they are getting the best parts of me.  Not broken pieces that need to be put back together, but ones intact, a complete version of myself.


I may be afraid of being alone, but I think I’d rather be
fearful and strong than weak and complacent. 


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